


Sinking

by SaiyanPrincess3



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angry Dean Winchester, Angst, Castiel Angel of the Lord, Depression, Drinking, Drug Use, F/M, Fatherly Bobby Singer, Guilty Sam Winchester, Little bit of Fluff, Mentions of Dean in Hell, Mentions of the Reader in Hell, Mild Language, Obsessive Sam, Protective Bobby, Suicide, Trying to Save Dean From Hell, Withdrawn Reader, descriptions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-27 17:41:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5057821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaiyanPrincess3/pseuds/SaiyanPrincess3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dean is sent to Hell the reader and Sam try to find a way to bring him back. The reader slips into a deeper depression than anyone could have foreseen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sinking

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on this prompt “hi! could you please do a really angsty Dean one shot where the reader dies/makes a deal for him/something high grade shitty happens to Kelsey, lowkey based on Bloodstream by Ed Sheeran? (include drugs abuse by Kelsey if you’re comfortable with it) that’d be awesome~ (i’m sending this request in like 2 times just in case you don’t receive it, mobile tumblr is a bitch)” Sorry if I didn’t do well with basing this on the song. I’d never heard it so I listened to it like a gajillion times and kept the lyrics tab open the entire time I was writing this! But seriously, head the warnings on this!

It had been twenty seven days since Dean had died. Twenty seven days since Dean was sent to Hell. Twenty seven days that you and Sam had been hunting down every crossroads demon you could find trying to do anything you could to pull him from the pit. Twenty seven days since Sam had almost completely forgot you existed.

You sat in your motel room in the bathroom with your supplies. Dean would have known something was terribly wrong. Dean would have been able to see the weight you’d lost. You had insisted on your own motel room now. Sam didn’t even bother to question your reasons. You knew you should resent the younger Winchester for his complete lack of care but you couldn’t. You were sure Sam knew deep down Dean would be beyond furious for the lack of attention to your well being but you looked at it as a blessing in disguise. If Sam wasn’t paying attention he’d never notice the tracks, the shakes when you had been neglected time alone for too long, or the vomiting that took place shortly after. It was like this, alone, depressed, losing all hope, that you found yourself sliding down the bathroom wall, nodding out before you even thought to pull the needle from your vein.

* * *

Sam held his head in his hands in the motel room adjacent to yours. He knew he should check on you. He knew you loved Dean just as much as he did. The problem was he couldn’t look at you without seeing his brother. He couldn’t look at the woman that Dean had loved so much without thinking of him. He would never push you away or leave but having you around was killing him. Sam didn’t know if there was a way to bring his brother home. He had refused to burn him but what if he couldn’t pull his soul from the pit.

Before the hunter could fall into his own pit of despair his phone began buzzing in his pocket. Pulling it out, he answered without even checking the caller ID.  The gruff voice of Bobby Singer came through the line.

“Where’s [Y/N]? She’s not answering her damn phone.” Sam sighed.

“I don’t know, Bobby. Probably in her motel room.” The younger man could practically hear the irritation rolling off his surrogate father.

“You’re leaving her alone? All night? Whenever there’s down time? Just letting that girl stew in her head? Pull your head out of your ass and go check on her! She lost just as much as you did!” The hunter tensed. He knew it was selfish to avoid you but seeing your face hurt too much. He dealt with it for hunts and trying to find Dean but anymore than that and he just couldn’t do it.

“She wanted her own room, Bobby. Probably thinking the same thing I am. All we do is remind each other of him.” The noise that emanated from the other side of the line was practically a growl.

“I don’t give a damn what she wanted, you go check on that girl and make sure she’s okay!” Sam grunted a response that didn’t satisfy the man. “Sam, I raised you and Dean, how do you think your brother would feel knowing you were letting the girl he loved be alone?! What do you think he would want!?” Sam let his head fall back to his right hand his left still holding the phone.

“I know, okay! I know!” Without another word the hunter hung up the phone and was out the door to his motel room. Sam walked by the door of yours and slipped into the front seat of Baby. He couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of the situation. He was completely avoiding the woman Dean loved only to sulk in the car that had been their home.  

* * *

Eighty four days had passed now. Eighty four days since you had lost the man you loved. How Sam hadn’t noticed your steady decline, you didn’t know and if he had he certainly hadn’t mentioned it. Your hair was thin and lifeless, eyes dead, skin pale and taut against your bones but Sam Winchester continued on his crusade and you followed dutifully behind even though your ability to feel anything had died six weeks before.

“[Y/N], you still with me?” Your gaze slowly, almost lazily, traced its way back up to Sam’s face as you tipped back the bottle in your hand and ignored the buzzing of your phone.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Your voice was just as dead as the once vibrant orbs that lay on your face. The younger Winchester stared at you for a second before turning his gaze back to the book he was practically dissecting.

“I may have a ritual here.” You rolled your eyes before Sam could look back at you. You knew it wasn’t going to work. Nothing else had why should this? Anything short of an act of God wasn’t going to pull Dean from Hell and you tortured yourself daily that it wasn’t you that had rushed off to make the deal to save Sam. “The ingredients we need will take a little time to get but anything’s worth a shot.” You nodded like you knew you were supposed to.

Sitting in Bobby Singer’s house while Bobby wasn’t home would always feel off to you. You hadn’t see the old man since Dean had died. You were avoiding him like the plague if you were perfectly honest so when Sam got the call that he would be back the following morning you offered to take a road trip to retrieve one of the various items needed for Sam’s all-too-good-to-be-true ritual that was probably nothing more than a load of shit.

* * *

When Bobby walked into his home the next morning he wasn’t surprised to see you weren’t there. It didn’t do anything to lessen his anger but he wasn’t surprised. “You let her go off on her own again.” It wasn’t a question and Sam knew he was in for the same lecture he received every time Bobby found out you weren’t having your possible emotional needs met.

“Yeah, I did because she’s a grown ass woman and if she wants to go she’s going to go! I can’t make her do anything anymore than anyone could make Dean!” Sam was sick of it. He was sick of having his ass ridden because you wanted your space and he didn’t fight you tooth and nail about it. He wasn’t oblivious to the fact that you were suffering but he knew how it felt to lose someone you loved and he wasn’t going to force you to talk about it and hover over you when that obviously wasn’t what you wanted.  

“You may be forgetting something, boy, that girl has been through something that I know a little something about and so do you! She’s not going to want anyone around but she needs to know her family is still here, ya idjit! She needs to know that we care enough to make sure she’s okay! Pull your head out of your ass and take care of the woman that would have been your sister in law if your brother wasn’t so self sacrificing!” Without another word Bobby stormed out of the room and into the junk yard surrounding his home.

* * *

One hundred and twenty two days and you’re no longer with Sam. One hundred and twenty two days and you’ve been ignoring every single call that comes to your cell phones. One hundred and twenty two days and the addiction has taken its hold completely. One hundred and twenty two days and you’re sitting alone in another empty motel room.

You don’t bother going to the bathroom to preform your acts of selfishness anymore. You don’t bother hiding that you’ve made yourself completely numb to everything with the opiates that flood your system. There’s no point. No one knows you here and you avoid every place you know, staying close but not close enough. Some part of you wonders if Sam tracks your movements just to see that you are still moving. He calls every now and again and you stare at the phone until your voicemail picks up. Today he’s been especially persistent but you just can’t bare to hear his voice anymore.

Sam’s voice kills you. Sam’s face reminds you of watching him and Dean in the front seat of the Impala laughing carelessly. Everything about Sam Winchester tears you apart with the loss and opens wounds that you have been fighting to close for four months.

Heating the spoon the liquify your escape you know that this is too much. You know that you’re not going to wake up when you nod out this time. There’s nothing left for you to care about though. It’s all too much and you don’t want to deal with it anymore. Maybe Lillith will hijack your soul and take you to the pit too. Maybe in Hell you’ll be able to see Dean one last time before they inevitably rip you to pieces. Who knows? How could they turn down another member of the group of hunters that had been working to tear them apart? Somehow in your mind you know you won’t be that lucky but you’re definitely not going to Heaven, if a place like that even exists. All you can really hope for at this point is that your reaper shows up and you aren’t stuck in the veil.

It’s less than two hours since he last tried to call you. Less than two hours since Sam remote activated your GPS signal. Less than two hours since your exact location was pinpointed and Baby was barreling down the road at speeds that would surly result in a hefty fine if caught. Speeding into the motel’s parking lot he cuts the engine and runs into the lobby.   
“FBI, I need the room number of this woman.” He flashes your picture and his falsified credentials at the attendant. He gets the exact result he’s looking for. A key to your room and the room number without any questions. Heart racing he’s speed walking down the row of rooms until he finally reaches yours. His hands are shaking and he’s never been more nervous in his life. It’s been too long since he’s seen you. It’s been too long since he’s known you were okay.

He slips the key into the door and takes one last steadying breath before he pushes it open. No breath could have steadied him for the sight before his eyes. Nothing he’s been through could have prepared him for this.

“NO!” He hears the scream but it takes a moment to register that it’s left his mouth. His feet are moving with no direction from his brain and in a second your lifeless body is in his arms. He’s staring at your face and seeing how the time away has made you worse for wear. He can’t even look at the needle and various paraphernalia littered by your side. It doesn’t matter that he’s not in Hell anymore, Dean Winchester just walked into a room that’s worse than Hell and he knows that he’ll never properly recover.

Dean couldn’t tell if it had been an hour or a year when he finally noticed an envelope sitting on the motel room table. As much as it went against any instinct he had to let you go he had to know what it was. Slowly lowering your lifeless form back onto the dirty duvet he stood and slowly made his way across the small room. Picking it up he saw Bobby’s address printed on the front. He knew what this was. Opening it he dreaded reading the words in your slightly messy hand.

_‘Sam,_

_I_ _’m sorry. I know I left and I know I should have been there to help. I couldn’t sit in the Impala anymore. I couldn’t face you or Bobby. Everything reminded me of Dean. I sunk so far and I couldn’t do anything to pull myself out. He was it for me, you know? I couldn’t even hunt without thinking of him. He taught me everything I know about how to survive and I guess without him there I lost it all. I don’t want you to try to bring me back. I don’t know where I’m going to end up but I need you to retrieve my body from the morgue here in Sisseton, South Dakota. Burn my body and all my possessions. Please don’t take the risk that I’ll be stuck here. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to help. I’m sorry I gave up. I’m sure the coroner will tell you what happened to me but I need to let you know myself. When I say I sank, Sam, I mean I sank. I started taking my own room so you wouldn’t see that I was hooked on heroin. I avoided Bobby so he wouldn’t notice the tracks on my arms or see the fact that I was withering away. I think I always knew it was going to end this way after Dean was gone. It doesn’t change that I’m sorry. Tell Bobby I love him. He was the best father figure a girl could have. I love you too Sam. You were my brother and I’m sorry I let you down._ _’_

Dean couldn’t read anymore. The only thing he could do now was try to bring you home. You may be pissed when he finally did but he would find a way that wouldn’t get him sent back to Hell and he would bring you back to him.


	2. Drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader is in Hell being tortured by Alistair while Dean tries desperately to decide whether to risk pulling her from where she is. He doesn’t know if she’s in Heaven. He calls on Castiel to find her before he makes his decision and things are still very tumultuous between Sam and Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be at least one more part after this. I wasn’t planning on continuing after the first part so let me know what you think

Pain. Piercing, excruciating, agonizing, unrelenting pain. You had no idea how long it had been. You were right in your before death assumption that Lillith would not pass up a chance to personally drag your soul to Hell. You wondered if you’d ever see Dean. Alistair had told you he was top side again but you knew it was all a ploy to break you. No one leaves Hell unless they’re a demon.

“You should have seen him, little girl, he was magnificent. Tore souls apart better than most of the demons around here.” The slimy voice of Alistair pierced your ears almost as painfully as the blade he dragged across your skin. “He loved it. Your Dean is a legend around here now.” Squeezing your eyes shut you tried to force yourself to think of nothing but the pain that was coursing thing your body and not the pain that stabbed your heart. Dean could have never done those things. He wasn’t that kind of man. “You want the same deal, little girl?” Another slice of skin was pulled from your abdomen. “Want off this rack? Want to be the one tearing souls apart instead of being torn apart?”

“Fuck off you smarmy dick!” Those were the first words you’d spoken since you forced yourself into silence after the fourth day you’d been here. You knew replying only spurred him on. He reveled in hearing you retort in your own snarky fashion more than hearing your screams.

“Oh, baby doll, you’ve held up longer than your precious Dean did. Six months topside sixty years here. I broke the ‘righteous man’ in thirty.” You grit your teeth to keep the words tucked inside. You wouldn’t let him win. Dean was here somewhere, you would get off this fucking rack and find him. Together you’d fight tooth and nail to whoever you had to get to to get home.

* * *

“Dean, we don’t know where she is. Would you really risk pulling her from Heaven?” Sam’s protests were to no avail.

“Don’t. You don’t have the fucking right. If you would have paid attention to what was happening we wouldn’t be here right now.” Nothing had been the same between the Winchesters since your death. Dean couldn’t help but blame Sam for not making you stay with him and taking care of you. Sam was filled with his own guilt but didn’t want to pull you from paradise if that’s where you were. “You fucking let her go and now she’s really gone. I trusted you to take care of two things, my baby and the girl I love. How the hell you managed to think the Impala was more important is beyond me.” Sam’s face fell as he watched the rage practically rolling off his brother.

“I didn’t think the car was more important, Dean… I wanted to give her space since that’s what she seemed to want.” The younger Winchester couldn’t meet the elder’s eyes.

“Of course she did, she was slowly killing herself-” Bobby walked into the room and slammed a book down on his desk.

“I’ve been listening to you boys argue for the last six months. Either call the angel and find out where she is or shut up!” Their surrogate father had loved you as much as if you were his own. He knew what you needed when you were still here but couldn’t seem to push past the walls you had built up.

“Cas, we need your help.” Dean’s voice was strong but his eyes belied the pain that was festering just under the surface. It was only a few seconds before the flutter of wings signaled the arrival of the angel.

“What can I help you with, Dean?” Sam sighed and walked out of the room before the conversation could continue.

“There’s someone that passed away Just after I was in Hell. I need to know where she is and if there’s anything you can do.” Castiel closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Dean, I cannot bring every person back that you wish to save. That is not how the order of the world works.” Dean knew the angel was right but he needed to know where you were. He needed to know if you were okay.

“Fine, can you at least tell me if she’s in Heaven?” The pain that the eldest Winchester had kept bottled up for the last six months was quickly working its way to the surface.

“I can do that. What is the girl’s name and when did she pass away?” Dean took a deep breath and adverted his eyes.

“Kelsey [Y/L/N], she died the day after I came back.” Castiel’s eyes were focused on the hunter’s face but without another word he disappeared. Dean sunk into a chair and rubbed a hand over his face. Bobby was still seated behind his desk watching his adopted son when Cas appeared in the room again.

“She is not in Heaven. It seems that Lillith apprehended her soul before she could cross over.” Sam had made his way back into the room and froze hearing the words he had dreaded for months. It wasn’t Dean that answered the angel’s shocking revelation.

“Can you save her? Can you pull her out like you did Dean?” Castiel looked between the two brothers.

“She was destined for Heaven before she was stolen, there are certain protocols that allow me to retrieve souls that have been wrongfully imprisoned. She made no deals and lived a life deserving of paradise. It will be up to her whether she returns here or proceeds on to her personal nirvana.” Dean was on his feet now.

“Why are you still here then?! GO! Get her out of there! Alistair is probably tearing her apart himself!” Castiel was gone again before anything else could be said.

“Dean… I’m-” A fist to his jaw cut off Sam’s words. Dean was on his brother in less than a second.

“You let this happen!” His words were punctuated with blows to the younger hunter’s face. “You could have prevented her going to Hell. You could have stopped this!” Dean continued his assault on his younger brother until Bobby pulled him away. Sam didn’t even attempt to fight back. There was no point. Everything Dean had said was true. He let you down. If he had swallowed his own issues for one fucking minute to help you maybe this wouldn’t have happened. You needed him and he let you down. Before Sam pulled himself from the floor Dean was already out of the room.  

“I didn’t mean to, Bobby… You know I didn’t mean to…” The old man’s face was sullen and drawn.

“I know you didn’t, son. This is gonna get fixed.” With a clap on the younger man’s shoulder Bobby left the room as well.

* * *

Everything was pain and being put back together. Alistair had stopped with the one sided verbal jousting. You had no intention of replying to the white eyed demon anymore. He had just finished pulling out your kidney and feeding it to a hell hound in front of you when everything abruptly changed.

Everything became overwhelmingly bright as you watched your captures turn tail and run. A booming voice radiated through the depths of Hell and you saw a figure descending. The light washed over you and all the pain that hadn’t ceased since the day you awoke in Hell disappeared. “Kelsey, I am Castiel, an angel of the Lord. I am here to remove you from Hell and take you to either your paradise in Heaven or back to your family on Earth.” Your eyes darted around. Was this all some new elaborate trick to torture you?

“I don’t have any family on Earth.” The 'angel’ closed his eyes and ducked his head.

“Dean Winchester has sent me. Are he and his brother not your family?” Rage poured through your veins and clouded your vision.

“Dean Winchester is dead. Dean Winchester is somewhere here in Hell just like I am!” Sadness contorted the 'angel’s’ features.

“Dean Winchester is no longer in Hell, Kelsey. I gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. I can do the same for you. Allow me to save you.” Skepticism was still the most prominent thing in your mind as you attempted to reach out to the 'angel’ but if there was a chance of seeing Dean again you had to take it.

“Take me to him.” There were no more words. Air rushed passed you as you ascended from the pit and then there was darkness.

* * *

“HURRY UP! WE HAVE TO GET THERE BEFORE SHE’S BACK!” Dean was barking orders at Sam and Bobby but neither of them were going to argue. Slamming the brakes to the Impala in a way he never would in any other situation, Dean stopped only five feet from the grave he had buried you in alone all those months ago.

“Dean, we don’t even know if she’s going to choose to come back here…” Sam’s voice tapered away when his older brother’s gaze fell on him.

“She might and if she does she shouldn’t have to dig herself out. She’s been through enough.” No one could argue with that sentiment. All three men had a shovel and were digging when a flutter caught their attention.

“She has decided to return to Earth. She should be waking momentarily.” Castiel was gone again and the shovel Dean held was frantically pulling dirt and throwing it to the side.

* * *

Darkness. Everything around you was pitch black. Stretching your arms out you hit resistance before you could even extend your elbows. Panic washed over you as you felt the wood against your palms. You pulled your arm back as far as you could and slammed your elbow into it. The crack you heard brought a small bit of hope back to you.

Hitting the box with your elbow twice more a small sliver of light slipped through the crack that you had formed. Escape was within your grasp. A familiar gruff voice caught your attention and you forced up on the lid of the box with all of your strength. “Kelsey!” Another sturdy hit to the top and the light poured it almost blindingly bright.

Sitting up in the hole of what must have been your coffin you stared at a sight you never believed you would see again. Dean Winchester was standing on the unbroken half of the lid eyes fixed on yours. Movement at the top of your grave caught your eye and you directed your eyes towards the two other men standing there. Sam and Bobby were staring at you with the same disbelief you were sure was plastered on your face.

“Dean?” Your voice was hoarse with disuse. That made sense though, if Alistair was being honest you had been in Hell for just over six months. You watched as his eyes glossed over with unshed tears. “Dean, tell me this isn’t a trick. Tell me this is real.” Without warning he was pulling you to a standing position and into his arms.

“You’re home. It’s real baby. You’re home.”

 


End file.
